Dear Tony,
I think this is the task u gave us last week as a homework. Sameh wrote the same and used a briliant idea and words. Iam trying to use another idea and purposely publish it here so, u can correct the mistakes for us in order to learn from it.
see u tonight.
It has taken me a while, but I have FINALLY edited and chopped Firas' letter below:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am a mechanical Engineer who works in a consultancy firm and lives near the airport of our city: Baghdad. I am writing to you regarding the govermental plan to increase the capacity of the flights in the airport. This increase, if it is implemented would lead to re-construct the airport building and ultimately chance the route which lead to my house. This plan, will impose four extra hours of driving in the car. As the airport road is the main road, most of the cars in the city would have to change their route to the secondary road which is narrower and ultimately this will extend the rush hour. In addition to what is mentioned, It will be difficult to drop my children into ther school at the right time. To avoid the road rush, I would have to awake them in the early hours in the morning and will be delayed to take them back for two hours. The risk of exposing my children to high risk due to non-availability of someone who could look after them after the schooling hours would be extremely high; not mentioning the time lose that could be used for their reading and eventually will efect their educational level. I trust that the above mentioned, would bring your kind attention to the fact that this issue is commen for all the parents who live in the airport district and using the same road. Kindly asking you to publish muy letter in your respective newspaper in order to be considered by the relavant authority and start constructing a new subsidiary road before demolishing the existing main one. (273 words)
Yours faithfully,
Firas Shaker.
Note: Tony, please tell me about the writing style, the idea, what should I do, what should I avoid in addition to the grammer mistakes and vocabulary.
Can I use Plus instead of in addition from the sentence above? No!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam
My name is Firas Shaker. I am a mechanical engineer working in a consultancy firm and live near Baghdad airport. I am writing to you regarding the goverment's plans to increase the capacity of the flights in the airport.
I believe that if it this extension plan is implemented, it would lead to re-constructing the airport buildings and approach roads. This plan will impose four extra hours of driving since the airport road is the main road. As a result, most of the cars in the city would have to change their route to the secondary road, thereby causing congestion. In addition, it will be difficult to drop my children off at school at the right time.
These above-mentioned issues are of great concern to all the airport district inhabitants. Kindly publish my letter in your respected newspaper for the relevant authorities' attention before construction work starts on the airport expansion and consequent traffic chaos ensues. (153 words)
Yours faithfully
Firas Shaker
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Hello Firas
- the letter is 120 words too long
- the tone is too technical and 'engineer English'
- there are NO paragraphs
so, K.I.S.S. = Keep It Short (&) Simple
I am unable to give more detailed feedback at present. I need time.
Tony
Post a Comment